What hurts the most
by Inai Nerse
Summary: It's a story about words that need to be spoken. Spoken while you still can do it, until it's too late for anything. Mello always had a problem with saying what's on his mind...


Inspired by song "What hurts the most" by Rascal Flatts

_I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I left unspoken_

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

* * *

What Hurts The Most

Matt turned back and over his shoulder looked at his best friend, who just entered the house. The blond started to take off his boots, totally ignoring the scowl Matt gave him. Matt continued to stare until he heard a sarcastic laughter from his gameboy - it suddenly reminded him of his game. And the game was over, apparently. The red "GAME OVER" inscription flashed on a screen, making Matt swear quietly. He switched off his plaything and looked again at Mello, just in time to see his witty smirk.

'What is it, Matty? Do you have a fever?' - Mello, still smirking, put his hand on Matt's forehead - 'Or maybe you're just so delighted to see me that you even switch your toys off? Oh, I see... Maybe you were... worried about me?'

'...I was just wondering if you'd be so nice and shut the door...' - Matt pointed at wide opened door leading to the staircase. Knowing Mello wouldn't even lift a finger to shut it, he got up, approached the door and closed them.

A second later he found himself being forced to them rather harshly. Chocolate, he thought frantically, when Mello crushed their lips together, maybe even a bit too eagerly. More chocolate, another thought came over him while he explored the blond's mouth with his tongue. He broke the kiss.

'Don't you think you indulge a bit too much when we're separated, Mello? Are you killing your sorrows with candies? My, my... so girly cute, aren't you?' For a split second Matt seriously thought Mello will hit him, but he only blushed and turned his face away.

It was just too perfect.

'Awww. You're so sweet.'

'Shut up already!', murmured the flushed blond 'I'm the one indulging? It's impossible to breathe in here!' - Mello tore himself away from hug and ran to open the window.

* * *

'So, how did it go? He gave it back?'

Mello took a picture of his younger self out of his pocket. 'He did. Like it's gonna help in anything.'

'You were well cute...' Matt pulled the photo out of Mello's hands and examined carefully, 'No wonder why everyone thought you were a gi-'

'Will you just shut up, please?' Mello plucked the picture out, pulled him a little closer, hesitated for a while and then started kissing his neck. Matt froze, surprised how easily one can bring his spitefulness to a halt. Mello's skillful hands moved on to his hips, which began responding simultaneously with the kisses. And just when it started to get really, really good...

'Ha,' said Mello briefly setting the picture on fire with Matt's lighter, God knows when taken out of his pocket.

Oh, the ruthless world...

He turned his head aside the couch, trying not to look just as disappointed as he was.

Mello watched him, his eyes half closed, with a little smirk on his face.

* * *

Matt shifted himself on an elbow from his bedding on the floor to take a glance at Mello. The other one, according to his firm statement, that he needs to have the bed just for himself, hogged the entire mattress. Once you think about it, it does make sense – if they decided to sleep in one bed, he would have ended up on the floor anyway.

Mello's fair hair spread on the pillow, creating a halo around his head. They also managed to cover his burn scar – the only mark left after practically blowing himself up. He was one lucky guy... Most people wouldn't even survive that and he's worrying not to be so beautiful anymore! He simpered, remembering the moment he picked up the phone and heard a sentence which he won't forget to the very end of his life.

'Hi, I've just blown up the headquarters, I'm pretty sure everyone else is dead and I've got a tiny problem, I can't walk and it looks like I'm gonna get squashed by the debris soon...'

If his fate had been to die with a heart attack, it would have happened back then. He glanced again at the fellow, who engaged the whole double bed just by himself, and mused. Mello so DIDN'T seem like an obsessively ambitious suicide he was... Personally, he never thought his ultimate life goal was to succeed L, but if Mello intends to die trying to do so, he was left out of choice and simply had to die with him.

After all, apart from his only friend, he had nothing to care about in his life.

Mello stirred in his sleep and it looked like he'll soon wake up for good. Lacking any better idea, Matt began to hum a first mellow mellody that came across his mind.

'You're so out of tune...' smiled the golden-haired, 'but I like it anyway...' he reached under the bed, cracked a little piece of chocolate and once he placed it in his mouth, fell asleep with a look of blissfully content five-year-old.

Matt leaned on the bed with a small sigh and lit a cigarette.

* * *

Four freaking years of complete silence. He didn't know Mello's number and Mello never called him, never in these bloody four years. And when he finally got a message, it was "come to the actually-blown-up-mafia's-hideout and carry what's left of me out of there". And all that for his childhood friend who abandoned him without a single word. Isn't it just wonderful?!

Five minutes later he was on his way to the airport.

* * *

Matt was walking cautiously in hideout's ruins, trying to avoid falling lumps of concrete and dirt sliding down here and there.

He reached some stairs and stared at dead body lying at their foot for a few seconds. He swallowed nervously, but fortunately the corpse wasn't blond. After that conclusion, he started climbing the stairs. Not the easiest thing to do, as they were shaking dangerously, but somehow he succeeded. He walked further and further, feeling more and more unsure of his steps. He just hoped Mello hadn't blown himself up right...

'Hi, Matty...'

...here.

* * *

He had no idea, how he had managed to carry that human wreck out. The track was so horrible that he practically erased it from his memory. Mello's blood was all over them and his leather clothes were awfully sticky because of it. Probably all the filth from ruins got into Mel's wounds and he was passing out all the time.

The blond indeed looked like one big mess, wreck of human dressed in leather clothes. Yeah. Blood, black leather... And, of course, chocolate in his pocket. Just like Mello, isn't it?

'You're stinkin'...'

'It's your fault,' Matt grabbed Mello tighter, 'If you hadn't left me all alone, I wouldn't have become addicted'

'Mm... But why cigarettes?'

'Cause I had a choice between drugs, chocolate and cigarettes...', he chuckled, 'I'd be fat if I chose chocolate'

A moment later he got punched.

* * *

Matt went to the window and threw the stub out. From downstairs he heard some insults and something about him sticking his trashes into his... whatever. The redhead just smiled and settled down with the very first game he has found.

* * *

Mello woke up, feeling a cold breeze brushing against his bare skin. Of course. He was ready to give up a year's chocolate supply if Matt wasn't smoking by the window again. At the moment he was sitting with his console, playing Kingdom Hearts. Mello stretched his body comfortably on the bed and continued observing. As usual, the goggle-eyes was doing a great job. Come what may, Matt was reliable when it comes to handling a game.

Not that you couldn't rely on him in other sort of situations. He could still remember his condition when he had lain in the ruins.

Back then, it was the first time he truly realized what is meant by death. How badly he doesn't want to die... Especially not alone, not forsaken and hurt, not 20 meters underground, having no one but a bunch of corpses for a company.

Good thing they took care of having their hideout in a range... Something must have avoided the destruction, if his mobile was still working. He used his right hand to dial the number, but hesitated before pressing "call". What can he say to someone he haven't kept in touch with for four years, someone, who's been his only friend in entire life? Someone he wished to have by his side when dying, if he really had to...

'Hi, I've just blown myself up, I'm pretty sure I'm the only survivor, aside from that, I don't think I can walk plus it looks like everything's gonna collapse on me soon...'

And I really, really wouldn't want you to let me die yet. I'd like you to say it's not 'game over', or whatever you call it... And I'd like you to bring about 20 meters of bandages with you.

He left these things unspoken.

* * *

'Oi'

Matt winced, surprised, and the boss shot a serious blow at him. Serious, but still first and only. Pause.

'What?'

'Come here'

Mello raised the duvet's corner, implying invitation. Matt raised his brow questioningly.

'To end up lying on a floor again?'

'Don't be silly, we're not gonna sleep...'

* * *

Matt flattened himself on a bed to avoid Mello's hand, it's flight trajectory exactly into his face. Yeah. All that chocolate indeed makes Mello bvery/b hyper. Suddenly Matt felt something hard bashing against his hip and curled up.

'Mello, you aggressive sleepyhead...', he wrapped tightly around the blond, sighed softly and shut his eyes.

'Matt?'

'Mmm...?'

'...who gave you a black eye?'

* * *

It's a real luck for him to have Matt. He never had anyone who cared about him like Matt did, and he didn't care 'bout anyone but redhead too. They were always together, since the very first days he could remember. Being orphans, they didn't have anyone else who'd be concerned about their well-being. They only had each other, so Mello cared about Matt and Matt cared about Mello, the only person to do so. Only person except Mello himself, of course.

In orphanage everyone used to say Mello was never concerned by Matt, they used to say Matt was just a pretty useful tool. What a foolishness... Of course he cared about Matt! It's just... He was never able to show emotions other than rage or hate. And why would he? Life never taught him how to be nice and kind!

...Luckily, Matt knew about it, so he didn't ever demand Mello to say something he just wouldn't be able to utter.

The blond took a look at Matt, who was playing some game on his console. He had headphones on his head, apparently not to wake up Mello. It was so nice of him...

Mello suddenly felt some weird, warm feeling around his heart, he knew it was just the moment, he felt like saying everything he felt, like hiding nothing, and so he did.

'I love you, Matt'

The only respond was silence. Fuckin' headphones.

'MATT!!'

'Mm...', Matt took off his headset, 'What? Did you say something?'

'...no.'

* * *

'Mello? Are you mad at me?'

'...no.'

'Mellooo...'

'...oh, shut up,' Mel embraced him for a moment. His feelings were still the same, even though Matt was such an idiot... How could it be that he didn't even notice when Mello finally brought himself to say these three words?!

* * *

The chocolate was gone again. Unbelievable, how quickly it disappears. Matt surely steals some, there's no way he'd eaten it so fast all by himself! He would've bankrupt a long time ago!

...wait, Matt was often checking something in his wallet lately... Does it mean he was suggesting they had less and less money...?

But wait, cigarettes also cost a lot!

Mello, not feeling guilty anymore, put on his jacket and dashed out to buy chocolate.

* * *

'It'll be 1,5 ', said shop employee, handing him his sweet drug.

He took off his wallet and paid... And then he froze at the very place he stood. He always had L's photo in his wallet and now it was gone! And seriously, what was that supposed to mean?! L was replaced by Matt now. And not just by Matt, by Matt smiling in a really remarkably stupid way.

Mello searched all the pockets hurriedly. Okay. Under Matt's photo, there was L's. Fine. In case Matt would throw the photo out, he'd find his balls ripped off and... Whatever. He didn't, so... Mello guessed it's okay. He closed the wallet and went down the street.

Let it be.

* * *

'Matt'

'Hm?'

'Turn it off'

Something in Mello's voice made him do so. It was sad and... serious. Serious Mello? That must've been something.

'I'm gonna go to Japan'

'...I know'

'...so?'

'So what, exactly?'

'So what you're gonna do? Want to stay here? You'd better tell be bbefore/b I leave...', came Mello's sharp answer.

Matt smiled a bit, 'Of course I want to go with you, thanks for asking'.

There was a long pause from Mello's side, then his best 'WHAT?!' came.

'Come on Mello, every single one of world's best games was produced in Japan!'

'Stop with these nonsense! Have you gone mad?! You wanna die, you freak?!', Mello grabbed Matt's vest harshly and shook him with all his might, 'Doesn't your life mean anything to you?!'

'Without you? I think it doesn't...'

Mello lost all of his power and arrogance in that one single moment. He felt that his knees fail him, so he sunk weakly onto Matt's lap. His head landed on redhead's shoulder and he released the clothing, unable to hold anything in his shaky hands.

'I don't want you to go with me...'

Matt bent down and embraced him tenderly. His lips met Mello's ear and he started whispering into it.

They both had tears in their eyes when they fell asleep few hours later. And there were no clothes between them.

* * *

'11:40 Tokyo departs in 20 minutes from gate B. 11:40 Tokyo departs in 20 minutes from gate B'

Mello was really trying his best not to look uncertain and nervous. He grabbed their luggage harder and faced Matt, 'So, can we go now?'

'Sure,' Matt was currently paying attention and he wasn't playing any of his games. Strange. Well, but guess everything's alright, since his gameboy was right on its place in Matt's pocket. Some things never change. Come to think about it, he's really lucky to be absolutely certain about something - even if it was something as trivial as that.

* * *

'Why don't they sell Milka in Japan?!', Mello was ready to throw thunders at everything, and all because of lack of his favorite chocolate. Poor world.

'Don't grumble, it's a wonderful country,' Matt, holding handfuls of new games, was obviously much more satisfied than his friend, 'It's a shame I won't have enough time to finish all of these,' he laughed.

'Don't be stupid, you'll have all the rest of your fucking life to do it! It's a really well-thought-out plan, there's simply no way anything can happen to you!'

Matt, instead of answering, smiled a little. It seemed that 'rest of his life' could be pretty short, since Mello was never right at 'it's gonna be okay's'.

The proof was on Mello's own face.

* * *

'You wanna go over the plan once again?', that question again. Mello asked him the same thing fifteen times already. Fifteen times today, to be strict.

He shook his head, not taking eyes of the final battle of Final Fantasy XX, 'Praline, we've been through it like, fifty times, since yesterday...'

'...I know,' a silent reply came just in time not to be unheard because of the last blow and the roar of dying boss. Finally! Matt waved his hands up in the air in victory gesture... And felt Mello grabbing his wrists. 'Aren't you scared at all, acting like that?', the blond asked quietly.

Scared? No, Mello... Being alone again is what I'm scared of.

'No,' he grinned right at Mello's face.

'So it seems like you're an idiot! For God's sake, the only person who ever meant anything to me is profoundly retar-...' He didn't have a chance to finish the sentence. 'Shut up,' said Matt shortly and kissed him on the lips.

* * *

Mello stood on a street, hidden in shadow along his motorbike. He was waiting for Matt, who was to pass him by on his way to the mission's place. Finally Mel noticed a red car, moving slowly down the street.

'I knew he'd bust a red one,' he thought with a smile on his face, waving his goodbye to Matt. He really hoped it wasn't their last farewell. No, put the helmet on, sit on a motor and wait... Wait until the car approaches the bend, wait until you see a smoke on the sky.

He set off right after the gas appeared.

* * *

Driving away with Takada on back seat, he caught a glimpse of some pursuers following him and Matt. The only difference was that Matt's were strictly pursuers. Mello's liked to call themselves 'escort'.

He drove exactly the way they thought up before, losing the following crowd quickly. Let's just hope Matt did just as well...

* * *

That was definitely the best braking in his entire life. Quick, impressive, just brilliant, sit and watch please. The best... Yet the last.

He leaned heavily against the steering wheel, sighed and scowled at cars surrounding him. To hell with it, just how many guards does that woman have?!

'I knew I shouldn't have driven that way you came up with, Mello...', memories of all these times when he trusted Mello's ways of escaping came into his mind instantaneously. Somehow none of these worked the way it should. Mello... just wasn't the escaping type.

* * *

They told him to get out of the car. He slowly moved out, raising his hands up. He knew there was no hope for him left, so he thought he could as well pass away with a joke on his lips.

'I still hope you did better than me, Mello,' he thought before yelling to them sarcastically, 'Hey, since when are Japanese allowed to have these nice guns? Besides, you want me to tell you where my accomplice has taken Takada to... There's just no way you'd shoot me with...'

* * *

'...regards to the man who was shot dead, his identity still unknown.'

One of cars on a highway, the white truck, suddenly started bashing frantically from one side of road to the other one. Few cars had to flee in terror before the stunned driver regained control of himself... And his car.

He sat there, silent as the grave, stupefied enough not to understand a thing of what was going on around him. Holding desperately on steering wheel, he tried not to think about what he heard... Tried not to believe it, not to let the thought bore through his heart in.

'Matt... I got you killed...', his shoulders shuddered, 'sorry...'. He finally started to understand all consequences of the announcement. The thought of him being the one who chose the road Matt died on was unbearable. Even worse was that he'll never see these eyes again, never feel the grip nor hear the voice throwing tender abuses at him. Still, there was nothing worse than thought of all things he never said to Matt, all words he kept inside, never said, never let him know. Now he knew he should have said them hundreds times a day, how much he loved his stubborn nature, his witty smiles and his gentleness, how much he needed him by his side. Mello knew he wasn't able to live without Matt around, he knew as well he didn't even want to.

* * *

He didn't bother to look for the meeting place. Not a soul was waiting there for him anymore, so it was pointless to follow the plan strictly.

He turned into some sideway and parked the truck in some abandoned church's ruins, hiding the car in destroyed gates. Still in silence, he was sitting there for a long time, reflecting his unforgivable mistakes and reproaching himself for his own stupidity.

* * *

Quiet sound from the back made him return to reality. He turned back and peeked through a little window in the wall separating him from Takada. There, put against the glass, was a little slip of paper with his real name written on it...

He felt a staggering pain in his heart after a second, but, to tell the truth, compared to one he was already feeling for a pretty long time, it wasn't really severe. No, not at all...

Mello didn't believe in heaven. But if it existed, Matt surely would be there. And, for Mello, this would be more than enough.


End file.
